(I blame tr1st3ss3du3r4.)

Drink once when:

• I giggle
• I create or use a portmanteau
• I say that something is "marvellous"

Drink twice when:

• I talk about trains
• I flail or trip over something in excitement
• I struggle to do something mechanical

Finish your drink when:

• someone uses the phrase, "Josie, you are drunk!"

Last night I got a bit carried away on Twitter and came up with the idea of Manchester rhyming slang. The full list is published below for posterity:

( There's a didsbury in aisle 4... ) Sometimes I outsilly (Piccadilly = silly?) myself.

( Warning - contains spoilers for Sarah's epic Christmas cards of joy! Do not open if you're expecting one... )
Thanks, Sarah. Tharah. <3

(18:29:48) Josie: YOU SHOULD SEE THE SNOW
(18:29:59) Josie: It was over my ankles.
(18:30:03) Benji: you should see the snow outside my window! its ALOT
(18:30:09) Josie: And idiot here was wearing open shoes.
(18:30:21) Benji: 0_0
(18:30:23) Benji: Seriously?
(18:30:45) Benji: even if it wasn't snowing, who would be clever enough to do that in December??
(18:30:50) Benji: oh...you meant you
(18:30:59) Josie: :3
(18:31:11) Benji: <3

Mitch Benn is Proud of the BBC, and rightly so. Meme via erinpuff: everything that's named in the song, bold what you love, strike out what you've never seen. (I have also added in some useful links ^_^)

( Read more... )

Oh yes, I'm proud of the BBC. And so should you be.

Today has been a day of many firsts.

*First time playing Rock Band (AMAZING fun with beccaviola and foibey).
*First speedy mental mapping of Manchester's cycle-safe roads when faced with a roadworks diversion (haven't done that since I got lost near St Paul's Cathedral in 2003 - it's good to be back on a bike).
*First time hanging washing on an outside line in about three years (finally in a proper house!).
*And on the subject of new houses, I've just made my first cup of tea in the new house, in the new kettle and in a new mug. Mmm, tea.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

There's a UK general election in one month. If you're eligible to vote (i.e. over 18 and a UK, Irish or Commonwealth citizen) but haven't registered, you've got two weeks to do it.

Students can register at university and at home, and so be able to vote at either (but can only vote at one, not both). Registering doesn't commit you to vote - but it gives you the choice for when the election day comes around on 6 May.

Go to About My Vote to find out more and to register - it only takes a few minutes!

For anyone who was following last night's Facebook status updates, it may clarify things slightly if you realise that Greta and I spent the best part of 12 hours giggling as a direct consequence of a sketch from That Mitchell and Webb Sound, which I transcribe here for your confusion. On the other hand, it may not clarify such things at all.

Welcome to Big Celebrity Fame Zeppelin! This exclusive new reality's biggest new format show.

Day Two in the zeppelin and the lines are already open! The numbers are on your screen. If you'd like to call in, please call this number. If you wouldn't like to call in, please call this number. If you're unsure, please text NOT SURE SPACE, that's 'space' the word followed by a space, to any of the following numbers. Lines are now closed.

It's a big day in the zeppelin. All eight contestants are sitting on chairs. We've removed the chairs and replaced them with slightly less comfortable chairs! Let's check the reaction. "Are these chairs different? Er..." The original chairs have been returned, but we've swivelled the rug and removed Peter. He's in a similar room to this one next door. Let's check the reaction. Hasn't noticed - the room's too similar. Put him back and give them all biscuits, but each other's PRIVATE biscuits! They're bound to kick up a fuss about that... no. They're fine about it.

Lock all the doors! Please text in if you'd like the doors unlocked. <beep beep> That's happened.

Release the goat, there it is, that's been removed and in goes the ghost! Exorcise it, summon the ghost of a goat. There it is, no real reaction, they ain't afraid of no goats. Are you? Call in. Calls cost 40p, 50p, 10p, 20p, 70p, 60p, send in a cheque, lines are closed.

The result of the vote: we're turning off gravity. Gravity is off but we also glued everything to the floor so no real difference there. Hold on, Phillip's hair's gone up! Gravity's back on. Let's turn the lights off. Let's make everyone invisible. That's the wrong way round. Remember, this time you're voting for who is the least person you wouldn't like to not unsee again. Lines are open, lines are closed, lights are on.

Let's go to the diary room: "I mean, for me I'm just like, being myself..."

Let's go to the dairy room: "MOO."

Send in the burglar! In he goes. He's been arrested. Convert everyone to Hinduism, apart from the Hindu. We'll convert him to Euros. Let's go to the diary room. Replace the diary room with sky! "Arghhhhh..."

Let's make them all evolve slightly! Let's make them all revolve slightly! Let's make them all voles slightly! Gary Rhodes has gone in, no help! Replace Gary Rhodes with the Colossus of Rhodes. Light it. Give one of them a bean. Confiscate it. They don't know what to do with that. They miss the bean. Let's go to the diary room. "We really miss the..." Bean!

And in go the raptors. Carnage. Extinct them. Clone them. Charge an entrance fee. Lines are closed. To replace the programme with bees, please text E M FORSTER to the number on your hand. <beep beep> <bzzzzz>

EDIT 18 Apr:

Really, though? They took issue with either my politeness or my punctuation?

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: Hello stranger!
Stranger: uhhhh hi
You: How are you?
Stranger: uhhhh....good....u?
You: I'm fine thanks! You sound hesitant.
Stranger: Uhhhhhh yah ur a freak
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Many areas of the UK are now seeing the roll-out of the NHS Summary Care Record (also known as Electronic Care Record, or NHS Spine - the name of the system). GP surgeries and Primary Care Trusts (PCTs) are sending information packs out to all patients, advising them that they will soon have an SCR created for them. The notification period is 12 weeks; after that, SCRs will be created for everyone, unless patients specifically opt out.

An SCR is a centralised copy of ones medical records, including allergies, preferences, medications, treatment history and other notes. At the moment these are stored separately in various hospitals, practices and clinics where treatment happens. The case for an SCR is that, in case of an accident anywhere in the country, medics can access full notes when necessary.

This is the main case against as well. At the moment, an intruder trying to get access to patient records has to physically be in the building where those records are stored, and bypass physical security to get to them. The Spine makes it possible to do that from anywhere in the country - they say it's protected by state-of-the-art security, but any security chain is only as strong as its weakest link, and how long will it be before someone leaves a USB stick on a train full of passwords and decryption codes? It seems like every major database has this happen at least once or twice a year - Spine won't be any different.

The NHS has a poor history with IT systems as well. Every single system they commission ends up late, over budget and unfit for purpose (see Random Acts of Reality). Spine won't be any different.

It'll suffer mission creep. The current government is particularly bad at this - legislation is forced through with the promise that it'll only be used to stop terrorism, and next it's being used to check whether people send their kids to the right schools. Laws prevent photography of special ops police officers, and immediately huge swathes of photographers find themselves getting arrested and even charged when they haven't done anything wrong. The NHS claims that the State won't have any access to the SCR - and at first, maybe they won't, but that'll change. First they'll force access to find out what criminals are allergic to, then widen it to anyone they don't like, then push for full access. Mission creep and an overbearing state cause problems with any database - Spine won't be any different.

Perhaps the most compelling thing is that it's completely permanent. Once you've got an SCR, there's no way to delete it; medical staff can then record information on your SCR, and you can't stop them, nor can it be changed or removed afterwards (unless it's incorrect). Your name, address, GP details, NHS number, phone numbers etc. will go on permanent record to be accessed by anyone working slightly in healthcare anywhere in the country, and there'll be nothing you can do to stop it.

Unless you opt-out now, that is. Reply to the information pack within 12 weeks and request an opt-out form, and you won't find yourself sleepwalking onto yet another database. You can even change your mind later and sign up for an SCR if you like - but don't let them bully you into accepting one through apathy. You can find out more (as well as downloading a pro-forma opt-out) at The Big Opt Out.

(For completeness: NHS Care Records Service)

I'm sorry it's all about the Omegle at the moment - such amusantness though. (I do post more not-always-Omegle stuff which is friends-only; add me as a friend on LiveJournal if you want to read it!)

Disclaimer - some of the French translations here might be a little shifty, I haven't done any French for nearly three years. nattus? ^_^

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hello!
Stranger: bonjour [hello]
You: bonjour
You: ca va? [how are you?]
Stranger: es que vous francais? [you French?]
You: non, anglais - mais je parle un peu de francais [no, English - but I speak a bit of French]
You: un petit peu [a little bit]
You: tres petit... [very little...]
Stranger: Je suis Dieu je vous remercie et vous [I am God and I forgive you]
You: ah, oui? [oh, really?]
You: bien [good]
Stranger: Sais-tu seulement ce que je dis [Do you only know what I say]
Stranger: ?
Stranger: ha!
You: ou mon francais est mauvais... ou vous etes bizarre :-) [either my French is weak... or you're odd]
You: ou c'est vrai et vous etes Dieu. [or it's true and you are God.]
You: mais je doute qu'Il utilise Omegle. [but I doubt He uses Omegle.]
Stranger: je suis dieu haha [i am god haha]
Stranger: vous utilisez la bonne traduire Ai-je raison? [you're using a good translator, am I right?]
You: mais n'est-ce pas qu'il y a une méthode plus efficace pour communique avec votre gens? [but isn't there a more efficient method for communicating with your people?]
You: non - ma connaissance avec un peu d'aide d'une dictionnaire [no - my knowledge with a bit of help from a dictionary]
Stranger: Dieu n'utilise Omegle ne peux-tu me voir [God doesn't use Omegle but you can't see me] [??]
Stranger: google translate?
You: WordReference
Stranger: je suis timide [i am shy]
Stranger: je parle anglais [i speak English]
You: is Your English any better than my French? :-)
Stranger: possibly..?
Stranger: ask me anything
You: what's Your favourite flavour of jam?
Stranger: i can also speak spanish
Stranger: that would have to be strawberry
You: !yo tambien! [me too!]
Stranger: merci
You: para los dos [for both]
Stranger: i mean thank you
Stranger: both languages yes
Stranger: hablo espanol? [I speak Spanish? (sic)]
You: I meant both things You said - I speak Spanish and I like strawberry jam :-)
Stranger: wow u speak alot of languages too
Stranger: this makes me gay
You: I'm a languages student
Stranger: happy ? gay?
Stranger: whichever
Stranger: i must go my father is coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You: oh, ok!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

From this, I deduce I must have been speaking to Jesus.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: hello stranger!
Stranger: m or f
You: I'm going to choose not to answer that question, and instead replace it with one of my own - "What's your favourite type of cheese?"
You: and the answer is Double Gloucester.
You: what's yours?
Stranger: none
You: aw, shame, I hoped we might be able to bond over cheese
Stranger: m or f
You: I'm going to choose not to answer that question, and instead replace it with another one of my own - "Why should eggs be allowed to roam the earth at whim?"
You: and the answer here is because they're tasty
Stranger: your weird
You: fun, isn't it? :-D
Stranger: asl
You: I'm going to choose not to answer that question, and instead replace it with yet another one of my own - "What would the world be like if the Secretary-General of the UN were a hat?"
Stranger: bs
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

I think 'Conversations with Omegle' might have to become a regular feature if I keep having as much fun with it as I have tonight. For those of you not privy to previous explanations, Omegle is a website which puts you in a one-to-one anonymous chat with a stranger. They're referred to as 'Stranger' throughout and you get no other information about them. There's no registration or anything - just click and talk, completely anonymously. I've had some really interesting conversations, some verging on deep, and some which are just silly...

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hi Stranger. You may ask me 3 questions. ^.^
You: Three? Just three? No more?
Stranger: yes 3. only 3. no more.
Stranger: thanks for playing. :)
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Overheard on the bus today:

"Hiya... yeah, that's what I'm calling about. I can't come because I've got to go to the zoo. Yeah, it's going to be a bit difficult now because I'm going to the zoo every weekend."

*The cleverly-named Chicken Station in the entrance corridor (presumably so named to create a mental association)
*The news billboard outside the newsagent which doesn't have any marking or branding of the local paper - just a white sheet with 'LOCAL MAN DIES' alarmingly scrawled on it
*A poster advertising timetables available on the local PTE's website, where the visual gimmick they've gone with is a cartoon of some cheese
*A bus whose destination was 'Pasta Church' (I only caught a glimpse of this so may be wrong)
*A bus whose destination was 'Mecca Bingo direct' (I definitely saw this - and it was full of old ladies)
*A story in the local freesheet about someone from Netherthong ("full story on page 3")

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(written semi-autonomously by Dasher)

So here's a thing I've been meaning to write about for a while. Robert Popper found it first but unfortunately the video he embedded has expired.

BUT your intrepid correspondent has tracked it down!


Embedded .wmv of Noteworthy News from SupremeMasterTV.com - direct link.

It's one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen, and yet it's weirdly compelling. It's called 'Noteworthy News', and describes itself as a "constructive global television channel", whatever that might be. Every bulletin starts off with a blessing to the journalists and crew, and a thanksgiving for the beautiful animals who share the world around us. Five minutes of satellite information follow, telling us every single broadcast network and satellite feed which carries their programming.

Next, the news happens. Almost all of it is good news, with the occasional natural disaster thrown in. All of this is subtitled in about 25 languages.

All at the same time.

More languages are available from the website.

Each item ends with the presenters thanking the person/country/organisation/thing responsible for the news, and then blessing them. They're also big on vegetarianism/veganism, with frequent asides about how it makes the world better.

There's a Joke of the Day (which really baffles Popper). On another bulletin I watched, the joke was in Turkish. It had a little animation to go with it. It was called 'Dictionary Request' and went something along the lines of: "When I was a young man, I worked as an apprentice in a space agency. I was a purchaser. One day, someone said to me, 'I need a new dictionary.' On the form, it asked 'reason for request'. I asked him the reason for his request. I expected him to say that he had lost his dictionary, or that the cover was falling off. He said, 'In my dictionary, "spacecraft" is defined as "an imaginary aircraft"'. He got his request. <canned laughter>"

About 23 minutes into the clip above, you'll come across Herrrman the Horse (sic).



"Halo, I'm Herrrman the Horse with the tip of the day. Oh, and I'm vegan. A great way to enhance your leftovers is to create a new dish out of them. You can add veggies and tofu from last night's scrumptious dinner to fried rice, noodles or pasta for today's lunch. Some of your extras may even make GOOD stuffing for steamed buns. Have fun trying original recipies! Thank you for tuning in and thanks a lot for being veg, going green and saving the planet. Now for the weather around the globe."

It's utterly absurd, and yet I keep finding myself watching it.

The sad (and probably unsurprising) thing is that it seems to be attached to a cult. The 'Supreme Master' of the channel name is Ching Hai, a somewhat controversial figure who has an awful lot of money and uses some of it in environmental campaigning and relief work (as seen in Noteworthy News) but also spends a lot more on... well, running a cult. I haven't done enough reading about her yet to know very much about her but it's all rather shady. Nevertheless, Noteworthy News and its Homer Simpson-a-like newsreader continues to baffle and amuse me.

The word 'regular' bothers me.

I read an article recently about the way it replaces 'small' in coffee shops, but doesn't actually give anything away (in and of itself) about the size. I'll post the link here when I get to a computer.

This means that people don't really know what they're getting, which is never a good thing.

I travelled on a Magic Bus service today. Magic Bus is a no-frills brand owned by Stagecoach, using older and less-comfortable buses at a lower fare. Someone got on and the following happened:

Passenger: Weekly pass, please.
Driver: Which one?
P: ...
D: £6.50 or £7.50?
P: Oh... the regular one.

What does that mean? 'Regular' means 'usual, normal, the same', so how was the bus driver supposed to know what his usual ticket is? Unless - the bit that bothers me - it's coming to mean 'the smallest, the cheapest'.

Language change happens - I know, I did half a degree in it - but the language change that happens these days always seems to leave us with less and less useful language.

The conversation went on, and the driver explained the difference between the two tickets - Magic Bus only or Stagecoach services as well.

P: Oh, just... *hands over £10 note uncertainly*

This might imply that this particular individual shouldn't be trusted with choice, but the point stands that imprecise language change does no-one any favours.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

Joe: [whispering] I'm not here ^_^
Anna: [politely but tiredly] I disagree.

Goodness me, I hate public transport at school chucking out time.

Two days of work at the Lowry; yesterday doing interview skills workshops with Year 5s, today shepherding delegates around for a conference on the future of Higher Education at MediaCity. Today's delegates were much better behaved, but yesterday's were much more fun. Free lunch today, mind.

I'm giving blood again tomorrow afternoon and I don't really want to go on my own. Anyone in Manchester who wants to come with for moral support?

There's very little point to this entry, I'm just bored on the tram home ^_^ Hope you're having a nice day.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

Livesquee from The Waters of Mars. Of course, SPOILERS. (I'm aware that the cut won't work when this gets automagically posted to Facebook, so consider this your warning of SPOILERS.)

( That is because there are SPOILERS. )

midmorknight is a writer who I've mentioned here before. She's writing an excellent ongoing piece about a girl called Malay, books, the Internet and a Luddite revolution. Part 4 is up after a long break, and the whole thing's definitely worth a read.

I've also badgered her into sorting out her tags, so I can now link you to the Malay series ^_^

Have a read, and friend her (if you're on LiveJournal) or perhaps subscribe by RSS if you're not. Her updates are infrequent but most excellent in quality!